06.12.06 - las isletas
back home in my bed, trying to sleep to the sounds of police cars firing warning sirens to send street loiterers walking. and it just feels ugly to be back.
tears came to my eyes as the plane touched down at SFO because that was when i finally realized my trip to nicaragua was really over.
i had not let myself feel sadness in anticipation of an end while in nicaragua, because i was to live every moment in the moment. time was not to be wasted dwelling on the inevitable future.
now that i'm back, i've cried several times.
because i've been overwhelmed with a sense of life again. and i am frightened that being back home (this place i'm supposed to call home) will dull me down to grey again.
i'm reluctant to use the internet. i dread hearing my cellphone ring. i don't want to listen to the radio. or watch tv.
because for 10 days, i ran away from stress and other forms of bullshit that beat me to a senseless pulp. because before, i was a zombie. i was caught in an abusive relationship. to be forced to associate with constant negativity. with misdirected drives and unfocused priorities.
nicaragua's beauty doesn't just lie in the massive growth of nature sprouting at every corner. (the lakes, volcanoes, islands.) but in its people. nicaragua is the second poorest country in this hemisphere. (the first being haiti.) 70% of the people live in poverty. this is the third world. despite their daily struggles, nicaraguans are some of the friendliest, genuine, and unpretentious people i've met. there is a true sense of community. of pride. and not the obnoxious bullying kind. quiet pride. america is merely grotesque in comparison.
its beauty lies in tin roof shacks, laundry drying everywhere, ribcage thin cattle, stray dogs, unkempt dirt roads, power outages, exhaust spewing school buses, thick heat and humidity, giant moths, free range chickens, street vendors, deliciously simple food (gallo pinto!!!). my love is in simplicity.
i wrote oliver and chris an email tonight. to thank them for everything they've given me.
oliver, thanks:
for putting up with my complete indecisiveness when it came to committing to even going in the first place, for being a truly understanding friend and knowing how good a trip like this would be for me, for the overwhelming encouragement and support, for the emails and reassurance that i'd be fine, for making me laugh with your ever changing facial hair, for being french, for not snoring (loudly), moaning, or talking in your sleep, for playing madden all the goddamn time, for telling me i had to see jean marc's work, and for those last reflective conversations we had on my last couple of nights.
chris, thanks:
for being an amazing host and tour guide, for speaking spanish and being a translator for a bunch of rowdy gringos, for showing me how beautiful nicaragua can be, for driving the ford suv under all sorts of conditions, for your generosity, for having a great group of friends to kick it with, for always checking up on your guests, for making a traveler feel at home in a foreign country, for ron, for getting down on the dance floor, for ipod jams in the car, for your patience and good humor, and for introducing me to so many new and wonderful people.
and most of all, i want to thank both of you for showing me that this world does have decent people still. and that life doesn't have to be all stress and negativity.
remember that last night at cafe nuit? as the band played, i looked up at the starry sky from between the palm leaves and realized just how simple happiness was. i said to both of you, "i'm really happy right now." and i meant every word.
thank you for reminding me what happiness is.
